In the simplest terms, disappointment is unmet positive
expectation. The word “positive” is important. There are
some unmet expectations which bring us joy and satisfaction and not
disappointment. For example you might go to see a physician with
the expectation that your symptoms will lead to a diagnosis of terminal
cancer. You will not be disappointed if that expectation proves to
be false.
Disappointment in
marriage goes beyond financial success. We can be well-off
financially and still have all kinds of disappointments. Disappointment
takes place in marriage no matter the age of the marriage. Contending
with disappointment is not an easy matter. Disappointment can compound
into depression or despair, which may lead to serious consequences.
Below are positive ways to deal with disappointment in marriage:
1.
Recognise and understand disappointment. Be honest
about your feelings. If you feel saddened at a certain disappointment
in your marriage, recognise it and admit it to yourself. When we
try to cover up hard emotions they only grow and become worse. Also
understand that disappointment comes from the day-to-day interactions
with your spouse. It is born from moving the fantasy into reality.
2. Stay positive in reactions and expectations. Once
you see where the disappointment comes from, be positive in how you
react to it and what you now expect. It’s too easy to turn your
reactions into anger, resentment and frustration. It’s also easy to
become fearful of the future. You should keep your mind open and
acknowledge that this phase is not permanent. Focus on the good
characters of your spouse that you cherish instead of his/her
characters that put you
off.
3. Learn from your disappointments. Disappointments
and failure build character and patience, when allowed to do so.
They can teach you how to live with others peacefully and with
understanding (Romans 5:3-4).
4. Communicate. Talk to your spouse about how you
feel and you’ll be surprised that he/she probably feels the same way.
Having an open dialogue can help you both to address each other’s
feelings, move past any resentments and aim for the next and brighter
phase of your marital life.
5.
Be flexible with Your Plan. Change the plan when
appropriate. Disappointment is of varying degrees. Some can be avoided
or at least modified, and that involves changing or being
flexible with our dreams and expectations. We should not set our
aspirations in concrete term so that they cannot be moved or
modified. The well-known prayer of Reinhold Niebuhr fits here: “O
God give us serenity to accept what cannot be changed, courage to
change what should be changed, and wisdom to distinguish the one from
the other.”
Remember too that surrendering a particular
expectation is not the same as surrendering self. We continue to
exist long after we give up unrealistic
desire.
6.
Put yourself in a clearer mental state: Whenever
you experience disappointment, you are pulled down into a lower state
of consciousness, where your thoughts are predominantly rooted in fear,
sadness, grief or even apathy. There may be times when the feeling of
disappointment is so overwhelming that you feel like being at the end
of the world. Being trapped in such a state prevents you from thinking
logically and clearly. When dealing with disappointment, your first
focus should be to bring your consciousness up to a more neutral or
positive level. This will help you to be in a better position to react
positively to your
situation.
7. Trust in God. Friends are essential, but humans
can let us down and err in judgment. God will never desert His children
(Hebrews 13:5). God had a good track record; it makes sense to
trust Him. The more we stake our security in God’s enduring love, the
less disappointments will have to undermine our hope.
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